Epiphany

E-P-I-P-H-A-N-Y

Okay, so I stole that from T-pain. He won't mind.
So last night I had some serious thinking time. Which, in the past has been quite dangerous for me. But I think this one did me some good. I need to turn my life around. In so many ways i'm headed down the wrong path. I don't know if you've read my post Inside of Me. The song that I recently wrote about this same topic. I want to..strike that...need to do this. I need to do it for me. Not anyone else but me. So many people, including my mother, grandmother, and one of my best friends, tell me every day that I need to do better. I know this. I just wasn't sure I was ready to. Well, I decided about an hour ago, I really think I'm ready. I just got off the phone with Bishop Jones and I'm meeting with him this Sunday, October the 19th. As short of a phone call as it was, it wasn't easy. But I did it, I'm doing it.
I've had a great day today. I did hang out with some bad influences. I love my friends and I hope that it doesn't come to a point where I have to stop seeing them. They love me enough that even though they aren't headed down the same path, they will support me. And I'm glad, lucky and ever so grateful that I have these friends.
My post, Turning a New Leaf, may have been a bit pre-mature for me at the time. But I am definitely serious about this one. Last night, while I was in my 'thinking spot'. (that's a disney reference for my Mom) I was afraid that I would wake up this morning and feel differently. But I didn't. Not even a little bit. Which is rare...but also very good.
Do you ever make a decision one day and the next day say..."eh, I was just joking." Well I do that a lot. In everything. But this time I didn't. Hopefully this time it will last.
I would love to help out the missionaries as much as I did in Summer of 2007. But I just can't. As much as I love them, and I love missionary work I need to help myself now. I know they will understand...after all, they are the most understanding and forgiving people I have ever met. And I don't just mean the Sacramento missionaries. Althought they will always have a special place in my heart. I know and have met missionaries everywhere i've been. Two missions in Colorado, a few here in Utah, Las Vegas, New York, Argentina, Brazil, Guatemala, Australia, even Japan. I've met people who have served, are serving, and will serve in all these places. And I can't help but love them. Occasionally I still feel that I will join them one day for my own full-time mission. But right now, the most important thing is that I get myself back up on my feet, on the right track, and figure out what i'm really supposed to do and where i'm really supposed to go.
I have asked myself a time or two, why? Why am I in Utah? Why did I go to Colorado? Why did I lose my job? Why do I do the things I do? Haha, some of my closest friends have told me that I'm here in Utah because "Jeff comes home soon." Haha, as much as I like the kid, he doesn't like me. And i'm okay with that. Hopefully he'll be one of my really good friends for a long time to come. I would hate to lose him. But no matter what I think and why my friends tell me i'm here, I need to start asking myself what, not why? Not, why am I in Utah, but what am I going to do now that i'm here. Not why do I do the things I do, but what am I going to do to change that and how i'm going to do it.
It all starts now. I'm going to meet with the Bishop, go to church, read the scriptures, and I'm really going to try to pray. I wish I could say that I will pray, but as much as I want that to be true I don't want to lie to myself or you about it. And I defenitely don't want to lie to my Heavenly Father about something so sacred and special.
I still have a Testimony. But the flame is slowly going out. The more I cuss, and swear, and do and say all the things I do and say its just going to get smaller and smaller until it is finally gone. And that, above all other things, is something that I cannot lose. If I lose another job or lose another friend or lose anything else in my life, it will not be my testimony. I love it too much. It is something I cherish so deeply. When someone asks, "if you were stranded on a desert island and could only take one thing with you what would it be?" I would always hope that I could take my testimony. That's all we need. The knowledge of, not just the Gospel of Jesus Christ, but the love that He and our Heavenly Father has for us. That means more to me than anything ever could.
Maybe that's why i'm so happy today. Is because although i've lost so much and I sometimes feel like I have nothing, I will always have that knowledge.
I've baptized a couple of friends who have also lost sight of that. But Elder Abeyta, Marchant, Hixson, Leatham, Hill, Barsdorf, Dipo, Halibuk, Rasmussen, Bushman, Barron, Grigg, Pond, Harrington, Chavez, Bird, Edge, Fuimaono, Stirland, Malley, Vincent, Sorenson, England, Williams, Gregory, Smith, Woodward, Sister Tilby, Fuapau, Street, Chapman, Fudge, Jason, Laurie, Pat, Nikki, my mom, my sister, they were all right. I helped give them something that they will always have. And as much as I'd love for them to see that now. They may not. It's their choice just like its mine. All I can do is love them and pray for them everyday. They felt it once and I know from experience that you can't deny something like that. It's impossible I know i've tried.
I guess through all of the babbling I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know the church is true more than i've ever known anything. It is the most precious gift my parents, and grandparents and so on could have ever given me. And I'm ready to live my life the way I need to, the way I want to. The way Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father want me to. This is my testimony and may it grow and hopefully help touch the lives of others as it is His will. I love Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father so much and its about time I showed it.

I'm a total DORK!

It's supposed to snow on saturday! Yessss! Love it sooo much! I cannot wait! Love Christmas more than life itself. LOVE IT! Okay...my dorkness is over.

No wait, wait...LOVE IT!

Okay, now i'm done.

New Job

Hey guys! Just wanted to give you a quick update.  I had another interview today. It was at a call center right here in my complex called Feature Films for Families...basically, its clean flix.  I start on Monday! Yay! It'll be outgoing calls which is kind of a drag but I practically don't have to even speak.  I just push a button for whatever I want to say and the computer does it for me.  It's 9 dollars to start and at the end of the month I have an evaluation.  If I pass I move up to ten.  Every three months is another eval and possibly a one dollar raise every time.  I have a friend who used to work there.  He was making 15 when he quit! Oh the possibilities.

It's not exactly ideal but there are a lot of perks, the pay is obviously one of them.  Also, its in the complex like I said.  So I don't have to drive anywhere and have plenty of time for lunch at home so I don't have to pack anything.  This will save me a lot of money on gas and fast food...which I shouldn't be eating anyway.  

Sorry its short. Just wanted to let everyone know how i'm doing.  I love you all and thanks for the support.

Holly

Inside of Me

I don't know what I'm doing.
And I don't know how to quit.
But I know what I want, and I'll do what I can.
I just don't know where to begin.

To get the faith that I need.
To hold out and succeed.
To get the faith that I know is inside of me.

I want to grow up, and I need to move on.
And I want to do what I was taught to.

To get the faith that I need
To hold out and succeed
To get the faith that I know is inside of me

You see I've always known where I'm going
I guess I must've lost sight along the way
Now I open my eyes, it's time to say our goodbyes
Because I'm back on the road heading the right way.

Peace be unto thy soul, you will triumph over all your foes.

To get the faith that I need
To hold out and succeed
To get the faith that I know is inside of me




:These are the lyrics to my new song Inside of Me. So far it is my favorite. I like that it is a little more rounded, and better for more than just those that have the Gospel, to relate to. It talks about the struggles I'm going through and how I want to get back to where I was just last summer. And that is a struggle in itself. I hope to get it recorded and to you soon. The lyrics are powerful but the music makes it so much prettier. I want you all to know that I am grateful for your support and I love you all. If you want a copy of this once I get it recorded just let me know and I'll see what I can do.
Thanks.
Hol

Turning a New Leaf

As most of you probably don't know i've been struggling a lot lately. I lost my job. I miss home. My roommates and I aren't getting along too incredibly well. I haven't been going to church. A whole heck of a lot.

The other day I was talking with my roommate Samantha about...what else...boys. We were discussing what we wanted out of guys and how it shouldn't seem too difficult, but we really are very confusing. The thing I kept coming back to was Temple Marraige. And that made me think, of course, of all the things that come with that but more importantly, lead up to it. None of which I was doing. I realized just then what I was doing to myself and my dreams by being stupid now.

Yesterday I started writing another song called Inside of Me. It talks about getting back the Faith and the Testimony that I once had. It tells how I want all these wonderful things that we are promised by living His commandments, but how I don't exactly know how to get back on the Straight and Narrow. Writing some of these words made me realize even more of what I am missing out on.

Ever since I was sealed to my family in the Salt Lake Temple I've wanted this. And I guess I just lost sight of that. I want to get back so badly I just don't know what steps to take. Where to begin. Who to turn to. Then I found a scripture that a missionary once gave me, D&C 121:7-8 part of which says, "Thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment." It made me think of Joseph Smith. All the things he went through and dealt with. Those things being very similar to a lot of what Jesus Christ also went through. The faith and the courage that they both had to do everything that they did for us. It is incredible. It is something I only wish that I could have.

I thought about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. About Joseph in the Sacred Grove. How they both knelt and prayed to Heavenly Father in their time of need. Two of the most important prayers ever spoken. The rest of which are the ones we say everyday. Thanking our Heavenly Father and going to him in our times of need. The ones that I haven't said in a very long time. I decided that I would do as they did and turn to Heavenly Father for help. I will start with my Bishop. I will tell him what i've done, what I want, and what I'm willing to do to get it, which is everything I know that I must do. Everything that I promised, on my baptism day, that I would do. Everything that they did, and that is first to have the Faith.

It will not be easy. I know this, i've lived it. But if I truly want for myself what my Father in Heaven wants for me. Then I know what I must do.

I ask for your prayers as I turn my eyes up towards the Tree of Life. As I once again try to find the Iron Rod. As I look for "the faith that I need."

This is the beginning. And if I do that which He hath commanded. I know that it will not be the end.