Okay, so I stole that from T-pain. He won't mind.
So last night I had some serious thinking time. Which, in the past has been quite dangerous for me. But I think this one did me some good. I need to turn my life around. In so many ways i'm headed down the wrong path. I don't know if you've read my post Inside of Me. The song that I recently wrote about this same topic. I want to..strike that...need to do this. I need to do it for me. Not anyone else but me. So many people, including my mother, grandmother, and one of my best friends, tell me every day that I need to do better. I know this. I just wasn't sure I was ready to. Well, I decided about an hour ago, I really think I'm ready. I just got off the phone with Bishop Jones and I'm meeting with him this Sunday, October the 19th. As short of a phone call as it was, it wasn't easy. But I did it, I'm doing it.
I've had a great day today. I did hang out with some bad influences. I love my friends and I hope that it doesn't come to a point where I have to stop seeing them. They love me enough that even though they aren't headed down the same path, they will support me. And I'm glad, lucky and ever so grateful that I have these friends.
My post, Turning a New Leaf, may have been a bit pre-mature for me at the time. But I am definitely serious about this one. Last night, while I was in my 'thinking spot'. (that's a disney reference for my Mom) I was afraid that I would wake up this morning and feel differently. But I didn't. Not even a little bit. Which is rare...but also very good.
Do you ever make a decision one day and the next day say..."eh, I was just joking." Well I do that a lot. In everything. But this time I didn't. Hopefully this time it will last.
I would love to help out the missionaries as much as I did in Summer of 2007. But I just can't. As much as I love them, and I love missionary work I need to help myself now. I know they will understand...after all, they are the most understanding and forgiving people I have ever met. And I don't just mean the Sacramento missionaries. Althought they will always have a special place in my heart. I know and have met missionaries everywhere i've been. Two missions in Colorado, a few here in Utah, Las Vegas, New York, Argentina, Brazil, Guatemala, Australia, even Japan. I've met people who have served, are serving, and will serve in all these places. And I can't help but love them. Occasionally I still feel that I will join them one day for my own full-time mission. But right now, the most important thing is that I get myself back up on my feet, on the right track, and figure out what i'm really supposed to do and where i'm really supposed to go.
I have asked myself a time or two, why? Why am I in Utah? Why did I go to Colorado? Why did I lose my job? Why do I do the things I do? Haha, some of my closest friends have told me that I'm here in Utah because "Jeff comes home soon." Haha, as much as I like the kid, he doesn't like me. And i'm okay with that. Hopefully he'll be one of my really good friends for a long time to come. I would hate to lose him. But no matter what I think and why my friends tell me i'm here, I need to start asking myself what, not why? Not, why am I in Utah, but what am I going to do now that i'm here. Not why do I do the things I do, but what am I going to do to change that and how i'm going to do it.
It all starts now. I'm going to meet with the Bishop, go to church, read the scriptures, and I'm really going to try to pray. I wish I could say that I will pray, but as much as I want that to be true I don't want to lie to myself or you about it. And I defenitely don't want to lie to my Heavenly Father about something so sacred and special.
I still have a Testimony. But the flame is slowly going out. The more I cuss, and swear, and do and say all the things I do and say its just going to get smaller and smaller until it is finally gone. And that, above all other things, is something that I cannot lose. If I lose another job or lose another friend or lose anything else in my life, it will not be my testimony. I love it too much. It is something I cherish so deeply. When someone asks, "if you were stranded on a desert island and could only take one thing with you what would it be?" I would always hope that I could take my testimony. That's all we need. The knowledge of, not just the Gospel of Jesus Christ, but the love that He and our Heavenly Father has for us. That means more to me than anything ever could.
Maybe that's why i'm so happy today. Is because although i've lost so much and I sometimes feel like I have nothing, I will always have that knowledge.
I've baptized a couple of friends who have also lost sight of that. But Elder Abeyta, Marchant, Hixson, Leatham, Hill, Barsdorf, Dipo, Halibuk, Rasmussen, Bushman, Barron, Grigg, Pond, Harrington, Chavez, Bird, Edge, Fuimaono, Stirland, Malley, Vincent, Sorenson, England, Williams, Gregory, Smith, Woodward, Sister Tilby, Fuapau, Street, Chapman, Fudge, Jason, Laurie, Pat, Nikki, my mom, my sister, they were all right. I helped give them something that they will always have. And as much as I'd love for them to see that now. They may not. It's their choice just like its mine. All I can do is love them and pray for them everyday. They felt it once and I know from experience that you can't deny something like that. It's impossible I know i've tried.
I guess through all of the babbling I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know the church is true more than i've ever known anything. It is the most precious gift my parents, and grandparents and so on could have ever given me. And I'm ready to live my life the way I need to, the way I want to. The way Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father want me to. This is my testimony and may it grow and hopefully help touch the lives of others as it is His will. I love Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father so much and its about time I showed it.