Being poor has its perks I'm sure. I just don't know what they are yet. I'm trying to live by the phrase, "find the good in everything." So far though, I don't think I'm doing too well. I was having so much fun...and I'm still having fun but, I think I've somehow driven myself into this mental "ditch". I didn't even see it there. And I don't know how to get out of it. I want to ask some people for help. I'm not afraid they'll say "no". Actually, I can pretty much guarantee that they will all say "yes". But then, I'm going to have to accept their help. That's the hard part, for me at least.
I think that I'm pulling back into my shell. That is not a good place to be. Let me re-phrase, that is the worst place to be. I've made a pretty good friend, but I can already tell that she's getting annoyed because I'm building that wall back up. Somebody please, knock it down! Then call off construction because I am absolutely sick of doing this to myself. Except I don't know how to stop anymore. I've been living in this pattern for so long it's become an addiction. And I can only go so long without a fix. I need intervention but I don't know who or where to get it from! And I honestly don't know if anyone cares about me enough to do so.
No, its not a pity party. I'm being serious. If it were a drug or something they would totally intervene and help me out. But this, I just annoy people with it and they don't want to be around me at all. And, "out of sight, out of mind". That's pretty much how I exist in this world. If you're not around me chances are you are not thinking about me. And I'm okay with that but, I just want that person. That one friend who calls me first. Who invites me out to lunch because they missed me. For 20 years and 362 days I haven't ever had one of those. I'd like to think that I've been waiting patiently. Well, is it my turn yet?
I'm trying to "find the good in everything", I'm just not very good at it yet.