At least its out there...

It has taken me a long time to get here. And I promise, i'm not writing this for attention or pity or, any of it. I'm just writing it...to get it out there. Because even if no one reads it, at least I know I wasn't scared to say it.

I moved to Sandy Hook, Connecticut on December 1st, 2012 to be a nanny. I live with a great family who, in just one afternoon on Skype, I fell in love with. Two weeks later, something terrible happened. We were just sitting at the table, planning dinner, the other nanny and I. She was training me. And the phone rang with a toll free number, so we didn't answer it. But when the machine picked up....I was just scared and confused.

On the machine we heard a recorded message from a woman that sounded pretty rattled. She said something to the affect of, "This is the superintendent of schools calling to inform you that all of the schools in the district are on full lock down until further notice, due to the shooting." I didn't hear the rest because I just kept thinking, what shooting?

Dad (the father) came in just after, me and the other nanny immediately had him listen to the message and I was instantly online trying to figure out something, anything. The only information that I found was about a shooting the night before, in a town two hours away where someone shot her husband. We sat, pretty confused until Dad came downstairs with a bit of an explanation. There was a shooting at one of the schools, not our kids school, but all we knew was that supposedly, the shooter was on the loose.

The other nanny and I had some errands to run so, with a bit of hesitation, we ventured out. At first we sort of just chatted about it. What happened? How? Why? Who could do this? But when we were in the store we started hearing the rumors...and our phones started ringing. Looks like word got out.

I felt loved as I explained to my family members that I was okay, and the kids that I nanny were okay, but that's all I knew...and so far all that mattered. But in the car on the way back home, they announced on the radio that they had received confirmation that at least one child was dead. And that's when my heart broke.

I've never dealt well with losing people. Whether they die or just moved in a different direction I always ache because of it. I love people too much. And I'm not trying to sound saint-like, its the truth. Sometimes its what drives people away from me.

I've never really been sure where exactly it all started. The furthest back I can remember is a beautiful blonde young woman, younger than even I am right now, who taught my Sunday school class when I was only 5 or  6 years old. She was my favorite person at the time and I wanted to be just like her. I remember going to her wedding reception, and dancing with her and her husband, the looked so amazingly beautiful. But the next memory I have of them....is seeing them in the same wedding dress and white tuxedo in caskets at their funeral. They were in a car crash on their honeymoon and they went into a river.....I feel like a horrible person because I still have so much love for this woman and though I see her face in my mind all the time...I can't even remember her name.

I haven't lived here for very long. And I don't actually know anyone that was lost on that day at Sandy Hook School. But I feel so hurt. I've been aching so badly inside for what happened that day and for how many people lost the light of their lives, their children. I feel like, its not fair for me to cry. I shouldn't be hurting because I didn't actually know any of them. Because I haven't been in this town long enough to be a part of it. It's just so hard for me to imagine what they had to have been going through. What happened that day? Why?

I think to myself, "don't cry Holly, its not your right. You didn't know any of them. You didn't lose anyone."
But after awhile I realized, its okay for me to cry because that means that I have a heart. It means that I care. I would be worried if this kind of thing didn't upset me.

I just cannot imagine losing my niece or nephew. I cannot imagine losing my brothers and sisters...even if we don't really talk. I cannot imagine losing my parents. Or my friends. Some days I try to imagine how I would feel if one of the people that I love was taken from me...but instead I just end up thanking God that I don't know, or at least I don't remember what it feels like to lose someone so close. See all of the times in my life, when someone that I know or love was lost, I was too young to really remember any of it. But I see all too often, how the people around me feel, those who can remember it. And it kills me to see them hurting.
And it hurts me so badly.

I once told a friend of mine, "my shoulders are soaked with the tears of my loved ones, and my pillow is soaked with mine." I am always here for my friends and family and....anyone! If they need me, and I want people to know that they can always call me rain or shine, day or night. I may not always have the right answer and I probably won't have anything really great to say that will get you back on your feet. ...but I give awesome hugs. And I guess a lot of the time...I feel like no one is willing to do the same for me. That's probably not true, but that's just how I feel. Alone.

I'm not exactly sure why i'm writing this. Probably just to get it out there. To let people know that I have a heart. Or just to let you know that, I am here, grieving along side you.

For whatever it is....thanks for listening.

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